Bright Light from a Grieving Mom

If I Had Only Known…

My son Michael, lived in Dallas, Texas. I lived south about three hours away, in Austin. Michael had come to Austin to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He really laughed me down the aisle. Michael was full of joy and laughter that day, and he was so happy for me. I gave him a big Texas hug, told him how proud I was of him, gave him a kiss goodbye, and sent him on his way back to Dallas. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Two months later, on an ordinary Saturday. Alone, shopping for dinner and a movie rental, when I got “the call.” My son’s best friend was hysterically crying, and could barely get the words out: “Michael is dead, he ended his own life.” I replied, “We must be having a bad connection. I will call you when I get home.” I just had to get home and fast.

Holding my breath and rushing out of the store into my car. I was soon at a stop light with four cars in front of me when my leg started convulsing violently out of control. Wanting to push the other cars out of the way, or leap over them, I drove as fast as I could with no regard for anyone or anything, not even the police. Somehow, I got through the front door of the house. Falling to the floor, crying hysterically, and could barely get the words out to tell my new husband what had happened. The last time we had been with Michael was on our wedding day.

When I was told Michael had died by suicide, my heart stopped. Then it shattered into a million pieces — along with my life. I felt completely gutted, as though my insides had been violently ripped out of me, with only large shards of glass painfully left behind. My life had come to a complete stop and I felt like I was spinning out of control. My reason for living, for being, had been changed forever in that very moment when Michael died. I would never be that same person again.

Death is an unavoidable fact of life, but still we take life for granted. Losing an only child is one of the most heart wrenching losses anyone can endure. Suicide intensifies the grief and adds other facets to it. Sadly, I have met many people who have lost children. I have learned you don’t ever ‘get over it,’ you very slowly start healing and adjusting, but you never forget.

I could somewhat understand Michael’s suicide because I had attempted suicide many times myself, starting when I was 12 years old. Over the years I have been in severe states of depression and sometimes have entered what felt like the “point of no return.” This happened when I was so consumed by my pain and depression that I could no longer feel my love for others or theirs for me. I felt like I meant nothing, that I was painfully useless and valueless, meaningless. It seemed clear to me, at the time, that the only way to stop the immense pain was to die.

The Grief of a Mom

Fortunately, I survived. Eventually I realized I just wanted the pain to stop. Somehow, I never realized that thoughts of suicide could lead to death, and certainly not my son’s. Later though, I could understand how he could feel that pain, how he could make that decision. I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never understand the exact reason why he did it. He left no note to help me understand what had brought him to that “point of no return” painful decision that day.

The first months for me, after Michael died were unbelievable, unfathomable, excruciating, gut-wrenching pain. It was a blur of shock, total disbelief, numbness, and so many other emotions that changed by the moment. The waves of emotions that flow through the minds of suicide survivors can be so devastating that they cause the person to lose the ability to function. My mantra was “breathe, breathe, baby step, baby step.” Pablo Neruda said “My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living.” Well for me, that was much easier said than done.

I lived with what I called the trifecta…overwhelming grief over the loss of my only child to suicide, depression, and anxiety. It’s been the biggest mental and emotional challenge I can think of, for me at least, to date. It took every bit of me to not just throw in the towel and give up my life. I still don’t quite understand that at the worst time in my life–when it would be so much easier to give up–I actually fought to live, and I fought hard. Where the power came from for me to live one more hour, or one more day came only from spirit.

That first year for the most part was a big long blur. After the first year, however, the blur comes into better focus and the true reality begins to set in. I really got it: My beloved Michael is gone for the rest of my life.

What I Have Learned…

Losing Michael, the immense grief, has been a lonely journey. It’s different for every person, including my husband. The grief experience will not be the same–or even take the same amount of time–for either of us. There is no timetable or method for someone’s grief journey. For me it is my journey, a journey I didn’t ask for or get to vote on, but none the less mine. I had no choice in it. I don’t know how the journey will play out. It just is, and all I feel I can really do is just surrender to the path it leads me to along the way.

Suicide has a stigma to it, as if the person were weak, a coward. If people jump from a burning building to their death are they weak or cowards? People with mental illness need for others to be willing to listen, have compassion and understanding. Psychiatrist John T. Maltsberger wrote, “There is no suffering greater than that which drives people to suicide; suicide defines the moment in which mental pain exceeds the human capacity to bear it. It represents the abandonment of hope.”

Every living thing yearns to live and thrive. That is why your heart beats for you. The number of attempted suicides are staggering. Yet in 2015, death by suicide was the third leading cause of death among persons aged 10-14, the second among persons aged 15-34 years, the fourth among persons aged 35-44 years, the fifth among persons aged 45-54 years, the eighth among persons 55-64 years, and the seventeenth among persons 65 years and older.¹ I am sure you know someone in these age groups.

Men take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 77.9% of all suicides. About 90% of suicides happen as the result of some sort of mental illness.² Suicide occurs across all faiths, ages, rich or poor, past social and any other boundaries. Just like cancer no one is beyond its reach.

Determining Mental Illness

To this date, there is no test (urine, blood, x-ray, brain scan, etc.) for mental illness of any kind, much less for degrees of severity like there are for cancer or other illnesses. I believe that is why it makes it so hard for people to know they, or someone they love, have a mental illness. Most importantly why the numbers of suicides keeps rising. The diagnosis and treatment is purely subjective. Diagnosis is based on what a person says, how that person acts; subtle warning signs and symptoms. I believe this is why mental illness and suicide are so misunderstood and stigmatized.

Having good doctors and counselors and taking my prescribed medication as directed is the combination that has been successful for me. I am a witness to the fact that it can be successfully dealt with. The problem is my depression and anxiety aren’t temporary. This has been a lifelong problem. Life is forever changing, and so is the way I am adjusting to it with my illness. But all this is hard to deal with if you don’t have the money and the time it takes. This is a huge problem for many people.

Shortly after Michael died I joined an online international support group called Compassionate Friends. The live chats, website and Facebook groups have been a lifeline for me and for many other parents in the same situation. I also joined a local group at the “Christi Center” in Austin. Sometimes it seems other parents in the same situation are the only people who truly understand the pain of losing a child. What a blessing that can be, to have someone be able to “get it”–not only what you’re feeling and why, but with no questions asked!

Michael had been seeing counselors most of his life. At times he had depression, but he felt taking medication for it was a sign of weakness, which is common for men. Michael had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and took medication for some time. But money got tight and he stopped taking it, and of course I didn’t know at the time.

Like many others, Michael was a master at concealing his pain. He could be such a joker, fun to be with, always laughing, and such a prankster. He was always the “go to guy” for any help anyone needed. Yet he couldn’t help himself. No one had any idea that he was at a breaking point, although in retrospect there were signs. I believe Michael felt he would be seen as weak, if he asked for help. He didn’t feel worthy of having some woman truly love him, he felt not good enough, and had no hope to ever find true love.

Many times parents are the last to know. Children are often more willing to talk to their friends “about their secrets” than their parents. People with thoughts of suicide might not act like they are having those thoughts. Some just seem to act like “typical” teenagers when there is so much more going on. The truth is we just can’t read each other’s minds and thoughts.

So What Can You Do?

Take the time to truly listen to those around you. 1) Ask—If you think someone might be suicidal, ask them directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Don’t be afraid to do this–it shows you care and will actually decrease their risk because it shows someone is willing to listen and talk about it. Make sure you ask directly and unambiguously. 2) Listen and stay with them—If they say ‘yes’, they are suicidal, listen to them and allow them to express how they are feeling. Don’t leave them alone. Stay with them or get someone else reliable to stay with them. 3) Get help—Get them appropriate help.³ Call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

The Camino

I hiked a 500 mile spiritual pilgrimage, in Spain, to help deal with all the emotions that flooded me, as well as work on the spinning compass of my life. It is amazing what you can learn, baby step by baby step, in 500 miles. Michael told me to go and we walked it together; he in spirit. I saw fields that had been completely ravaged of anything, and I knew that was how I was feeling inside. I was on mountain tops and when I got to the valley; I knew in my life I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, the dark night of the soul.

I talked with people from all over the world and they all said that their countries have the same problems with mental illness and suicide. These people hugged me, listened to me and never once told me to “get over it” or “you just have to let it go.”

We hiked those 500 miles for all those with mental illness and all those who lost their battle with it and died by suicide. After that pilgrimage, I now believe spirit has a plan for me to be a messenger, a bright light in the darkness, giving a voice to this illness, to help others better understand what it is like to live with a mental illness. My reason for living now, my life’s purpose, is to be a Suicide/Mental Illness Awareness Advocate and speak to people/groups about Michael’s story. Helping to bring a voice about both Suicide and Mental Illness and to remove the stigmas attached to them. My hope is that by talking about Michael’s life and his death, maybe another life can be saved and spare another parent this kind of pain.

You too can be part of the hope to bring awareness to mental illness and suicide. We are all in this together. Take care of yourself and each other. Hear my voice and let me shine a bright light on mental illness and suicide. Can you help me spread this message?

I lost Michael to suicide due to mental illness but more importantly, I was blessed with the time I had to love him and the moments we shared that will last a lifetime.

Michael Wayne Cooper
December 19, 1983 – December 11, 2015
Never Ending Love

Davina Cooper
A Bright Light for Love, Hope and Healing

¹ https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/suicide-datasheet-a.pdf

² https://quizlet.com/10304234/ch-24-suicide-flash-cards/

³ https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/topics/preventing-suicide